Feb. 8, 2021

My Story

Mental Health wasn't something that was talked about much in my family. It was more of something that you cover up and kinda deal with yourself. There was no such thing as medication or therapy to help solve your problems. I always knew that there was something going on with me, but I never knew how to tell my parents. I mean it's hard to tell your parents that you don't want to be here anymore. I lost a lot of weight going into high school. I got compliments and praises for losing weight so I didn't think much of it. It was my friends that had to tell me that it wasn't okay. I wasn't very verbal. I knew that I needed help but I didn't want the help. I didn't want my parents to know that I wasn't perfect. I didn't want people to know that I had a flaw. My strive for perfection was over my well being. I thought that I had to be skinny to be perfect.

The first attempt in getting into therapy failed. My counselor called in a meeting with my parents about my "well being." She said that she was afraid that I was a danger to myself and that I should seek help for Clinical Depression. With my parents being confused of where this was all coming from and my lack of communication, you can only imagine how it went, absolutely no where. Not eating became a way to punish myself for not doing what I thought was enough. I didn't know that it wasn't okay to do. In my first year of high school I started to spiral. I started to give up. I was failing and I never had low grades in school. It wasn't normal for me because I had been taught that school was important. Of course when my parents had finally found out that I was failing, they were angry. They couldn't understand why I was failing. They automatically looked at it as "I'm distracted with friends", or simply that I was "just lazy." And I had let them think that because how was I supposed to tell them that the reason that I was failing was because I'm not making it to my 16th birthday. You're right I couldn't do that to them.

I remember specifically how in groups of people, people would end something that they don't wanna do or aren't excited for with "I'm gonna kill myself." I knew that they didn't mean it when they would say it, but when I would say "I'm going to kill myself." I meant it. All I got were giggles though. I just wish someone would've taken me seriously at the time. I felt alone even in crowded rooms. Even with all my friends - I felt like I was nothing. I felt like I was living someone else's life, not mine. I hated the person that I saw in the mirror. I hated her with everything. I didn't want that life anymore. I didn't want to feel like that anymore. Every time the topic of suicide was brought up, people would say that it was selfish. That people who committed suicide were selfish for inflicting their pain onto someone else. That's not how I saw suicide. I didn't want to hurt my family or friends I wanted the pain to stop. I didn't want to do the same thing everyday. I didn't want to continuously feel worthless all the time. I wanted it all to stop! It's selfish to want someone to stay even though they're in pain and do absolutely nothing to help them through the pain.

After my first attempt, it was made clear that I needed professional help. So I went to a psych ward, hated it, then came out and went into therapy. At my first session with my therapist, I didn't want to talk. I had a wall in front of me, the same wall that I had for everyone. I knew that If I didn't take down my wall that meant I wasn't putting in the effort to get better. The first thing that I told her was that I just want someone to talk to. I'm extremely grateful to have a therapist that I have connected with. Shes taught me a lot.

I was diagnosed with Depression and an Eating Disorder. I still go to therapy, and i'm now on medication and that's okay. It doesn't mean I'm weak. It means that i'm doing my best and what I need to do to keep myself going. Even now, I have ups and downs. Times that I'm okay and times that I'm not. I'm aware of it now. I still have my faults but i'm working on it and that's all that matters. No matter how many thoughts I have that make me feel alone, I'm not alone! Neither are you!